Yesterday we found out that Olivia needs to get a feeding tube. I knew it would happen if she didn't gain weight, but I just put a lot of hope into her gaining weight. She is almost 2 and weighs the same as a 1 year old.
The silent tears roll down my face when we get into the car. My mind races so fast I can't keep up with it. The music is on and I don't even hear it. I keep wishing my husband would reach over and tell me it's going to be ok. I guess I never considered how he is feeling at the time, only my feelings matter. Not to mention that we had to tell her step-brother and I don't even care how he feels about it at this time. My feelings are the most important.
We get home and I really want to call out of work for the next day. Teaching kids when you feel like a zombie isn't the best way to get them inspired about learning. If only we made enough money so I could stay home with my child. I guess that still wouldn't change the fact that she has health problems.
It's time for bed and I savor every moment with my child before she falls asleep. Just the few days before this she was very clingy to me due to teething and I was completely annoyed. Now I wish I would have savored those moments. Sometimes you just need a break and then something happens that makes you wish you never felt like that in the first place.
It's quiet and the thoughts are uncontrollable. The tears silently drip down my face and onto my pillow. I don't want to wake my husband. Will my child ever be healthy enough for her to take care of herself? Will I go through these roller coaster emotions throughout her whole life? Would it be irresponsible to have another child? What would happen to her if something happened to me? Would I be able to survive if she didn't?
Working in a school can have it's ups and downs when it comes to these situations. I feel horrible and just need to get it off of my chest, but the only people I speak to are children. Surely this is not their burden. They don't need to know all of the complications of my child. I have told them some things to explain why I might need to answer a phone during class. I also find myself getting extremely mad when the children call each other retarded. I used to do the same thing and now it's not a word in my vocabulary.
It's amazing how having a special needs child can change your whole outlook on life. You really see what matters. I can't begin to explain how sick I used to get when I saw her have a seizure. I would dry heave over her body as it lays there turning blue and there was nothing that I could do. At least I've gotten better at watching them. I never realized how difficult parents have it when dealing with a child that has problems. And now I have to reach out to them for support. I guess it's time to start reading some books about special needs children. I need all of the help I can get.
Hopefully they won't schedule her surgery on her birthday!
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